creative writing assignment rough draft

[The Snapple Cap]

i need some constructivve feedback on this as it is a rough draft. We got assigned random characters and we had to do a story about them. So i got assigned a character called Matilda who is a 24 year old high school english teacher. k enjoy.

“At the end of the day family will always be there for you. No matter how hard you fall, they will always be there to help you back up.” I remember when I told Ashley that when she was upset, and now she’s repeating it back to me, the irony. I couldn’t hold my tears back anymore. I was just too upset. I was sitting in an almost completely dark room, in the chair my father used to sit in everyday before he passed away, God how he loved this chair. The dimly lit lamp was the only source of light in an otherwise pitch black room. Well that and my phone that was constantly lighting up from all the missed calls and text messages. I didn’t want to speak to anyone right now. I looked at the small end table with the phone and lamp on it. The phone showed my reflection. I was an utter mess, my hair was everywhere, my makeup was running, and I was abnormally pale. I pushed over the table, knocking over the lamp and my phone. I just wanted to be alone and think.

I woke up the next morning in the same chair, and the table pushed over with the lamp still on in the corner. I can’t find my phone. I started to panic, finally finding it. I had twelve missed calls and ten text messages asking if I was alright. Of course I wasn’t alright, my life had just completely fallen apart. Just then there was a knock at the door. I got up begrudgingly and it was my younger sister Ashley and my older sister Amanda. You never see them together; they must be extremely worried about me. I open the door to greet them. They gave me a huge hug, and I almost burst into tears again. “Matilda what’s wrong?” they both start to ask, but before they finish I fall to the floor and murmur to them; just give me a second to clean up and I’ll tell you what happened.

I took a quick shower and got changed quickly, as I know how impatient my sisters can get. I come into the living room and they begin to barrage me with questions. Just calm down I said, let me tell you what happened and then you can ask whatever you want. “Alright.” They both said almost in unison. Well this all started seven years ago when I first started dating Mike. I knew there was something off about him, but I couldn’t pinpoint it until recently. Well we dated through senior year, and when we went to different colleges I was worried, but I trusted him. I mean I was a kid, and I thought I was in love with him up until recently. Why should I have suspected he was cheating on me? Well we both went through college then moved back here and eventually got this apartment together. Well you know how I just started teaching at that high school? The principle was always giving me a hard time, and the secretary was always giving me dirty looks. I didn’t know why until yesterday.

Well I came home about a month ago, to find Mike incredibly sick and almost passed out from being sick. I immediately took him to the hospital to see what was wrong with him. They took blood tests and cat scans but found nothing really wrong, so they gave him so antibiotics and sent him home. They said they would call when they blood test results came back. Well a month goes by, and I come home early since we had a half day to surprise Mike. Low and behold I find him banging Lauren (the secretary) on the couch; the look on his face was utter shock. He tried to explain himself, as I kept screaming at him, but I didn’t want to hear it. Lauren tried collecting her clothes to sneak out while we were fighting, but I pushed her to the couch and told her she had to be there for this. “How long has this been going on?” I kept asking him. He kept trying to beat around the bush, until I finally got the answer out of him. “About 6 month’s.” He said looking down. So essentially when I started teaching at the high school then? That’s just great Mike. “is this the only girl you cheated on me with?” I scream at him. He look down and starts to cry a little and then whispers “no there are about 6 other girls I’ve cheated on you with regularly since college.” Now Lauren had a surprised look on her face thinking she was the only one, well besides me of course. I turn and look at her and tell her to get out of my house before something happens to her. Naturally she ran out. I look at Mike and begin to cry, I scream at him “I thought you loved me.” “I do babe.” Mike tries to tell me. Oh yeah then why did you cheat on me you selfish pig? Get out of my house right now. I kept screaming profanities at him while he got dressed and to leave. He was trying to say he’s sorry as I pushed him out. “Walk home you piece of shit, and tell your family why you have to live there.” I scream at him as I slam the door in his face.

Later that day I was crying, and the Hospital called with Mike’s blood test results. I picked up the phone and told them I was his significant other. “Well we have bad news for you then, his blood tests indicate that he is in fact HIV positive. You may want to come in and get yourself tested to see if you are as well.” My heart sank as the phone fell out of my hand. I started to cry and tear apart the room, breaking and knocking over anything in my destructive path. Mike’s selfish ways has killed me. A man I thought was loving and faithful, in fact was a cheat and was going to be my ultimate demise, because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. That’s why I didn’t pick up my phone last night, and why the house is in shambles.

Ashley and Amanda just sat there with their mouth’s wide open. As I started to cry they hugged me and told me everything was going to be alright. I shook my head and said “no it’s not but it’s okay anyway. I know I’ll never be the same.” They asked why, but all I could do was continue crying. Finally I told them, I came home early to tell him the good news. I’m six weeks pregnant and we were going to have a baby, that all but confirms that I’m HIV positive as well. I don’t know what to do, please help me.

[LilZe]

Excellent building of suspense, even though i knew what the conclusion would be from the third paragraph on. Maybe she should be completely surprised by his cheating?

As a matter of realism she is not conclusively HIV positive at all, that would depend on his viral load and the strength of her immune system, the fact that he impregnated her would make pretty much no difference.

[The Snapple Cap]

Originally Posted by LilZe

Excellent building of suspense, even though i knew what the conclusion would be from the third paragraph on. Maybe she should be completely surprised by his cheating?

As a matter of realism she is not conclusively HIV positive at all, that would depend on his viral load and the strength of her immune system, the fact that he impregnated her would make pretty much no difference.

well this is fiction is based on, and from having sex with him for 7+ years unprotected (not knowing about the other people) it's pretty much confirmed that she would have HIV, unless she was incredibly lucky. i need to add a little more backstory about them/the school as well

[Da Jestress]

Originally Posted by The Snapple Cap

well this is fiction is based on, and from having sex with him for 7+ years unprotected (not knowing about the other people) it's pretty much confirmed that she would have HIV, unless she was incredibly lucky. i need to add a little more backstory about them/the school as well

Actually what LilZe said is correct. It does not necessarily mean anything.

I like the story. However, to make it better, change up the sentence structure. You have, I did this and then I did that. Also, He said this and they did they. Add a very more adjectives and lively verbs.

Well I came home about a month ago, to find Mike incredibly sick and almost passed out from being sick. I immediately took him to the hospital to see what was wrong with him. They took blood tests and cat scans but found nothing really wrong, so they gave him so antibiotics and sent him home.

Instead of this, how about?

Coming home about a month ago, I discovered a very pale Mike laying on the couch semi-conscious. Fear and urgency took over me as I immediately rushed my love to the hospital. Looking through the doctor's door, I was so worried that something was very wrong with Mike. Imagine my sigh of relief as the doctors reported back to me that they found nothing wrong with Mike's blood tests or CAT scans. As a caution though, the doctors gave him antibiotics as they sent us home.

See? Dress it up a little.

[Carlitos]

great story,it gets a bit predictable at the end,but what de jes said to dress it up a bit will make it better

[Riot]

If I was you, I'd actually drop the whole aids thing & replace it with breast cancer. Not only would it still make Mike seem like an utter twat for cheating on his ill wife, but it would give a sudden twist to the story. I mean the doctors wouldn't give an all clear then send a letter out and say you have HIV would they?

I also agree with Da Jest. Your writing sort of like the story gets a little predictable. Don't get me wrong it's well wrote, but it's the same type of sentence over and over again. I did this, he said that, I then did blah blah etc.

For a rough draft it's a really good start, but I would really suggest changing it up from HIV to her having breast cancer. It would lead people to think somethings up with him, then BOOM the old switcheroo it's her that's got something wrong after all. To explain why he ended up going to the hospital, you could say he lied about it. Say he was cheating on his wife, until he seen some lights hit up the driveway etc. it would explain why he's plae white & exhausted...

[Osiris]

Originally Posted by Riot

If I was you, I'd actually drop the whole aids thing & replace it with breast cancer. Not only would it still make Mike seem like an utter twat for cheating on his ill wife, but it would give a sudden twist to the story. I mean the doctors wouldn't give an all clear then send a letter out and say you have HIV would they?

I also agree with Da Jest. Your writing sort of like the story gets a little predictable. Don't get me wrong it's well wrote, but it's the same type of sentence over and over again. I did this, he said that, I then did blah blah etc.

For a rough draft it's a really good start, but I would really suggest changing it up from HIV to her having breast cancer. It would lead people to think somethings up with him, then BOOM the old switcheroo it's her that's got something wrong after all. To explain why he ended up going to the hospital, you could say he lied about it. Say he was cheating on his wife, until he seen some lights hit up the driveway etc. it would explain why he's plae white & exhausted...

I think Riot's on the right track here as well as the other comments. The story does get a bit predictable by the end because there are too many hints dropped. Either have a twist at the end like Riot suggests or change the hints so they're a bit more subtle throughout the story.

[The Snapple Cap]

thanks guys, yeah i see what your saying jestress. I literally wrote this a few hours before it was due. so i'm gonna implement some changes today to it.

[Riot]

Originally Posted by The Snapple Cap

thanks guys, yeah i see what your saying jestress. I literally wrote this a few hours before it was due. so i'm gonna implement some changes today to it.

Post it up after you've did some changes man.